And now for something remarkably familiar
This is a 'TV script' that I wrote just for fun to pay homage to my favourite TV comedy sketch characters.
SCENE 1: CONTINUITY
ERIC IDLE CHARACTER (EI) SAT BEHIND A DESK. JOHN CLEESE VOICE (JC) IS HEARD IN SARCASTIC TONES.
EI:
Welcome to this evenings performance where we pay homage to the heyday of BBC Television comedy.
JC (FROM AFAR):
Homage to the heyday of BBC television comedy. Oh my aren’t we posh.
EI:
Where we pay homage to the heyday of BBC Television comedy. (PAUSES, THEN CONTINUES WITH A SENSE OF RELIEF) And to start us off we’ll go back to the beginning.
JC (FROM AFAR):
Go back to the beginning of what?
EI:
BBC television comedy.
JC (FROM AFAR):
Don’t you mean British television comedy? It wasn’t all the BBC you know. That’s the trouble with you BBC types. Think the world begins and ends with you. Let me tell you
FADES
SCENE 2: HANCOCK
HANCOCK LOOK ALIKE OPENS THE DOOR TO HIS STUDIO FLAT. SLINGS BAG DOWN. TURNS AND PICKS UP POST. READS THE FRONT OF ONE OF THE LETTERS.
HANCOCK:
Isn’t it marvellous. Typical! Another letter for Mr Tony Hancock. And me Anthony Handcross. This is beyond a joke you know. Oh yes. Nearly half the post I get is addressed to Mr Tony Hancock. Can’t they read Handcross. Hand-Cross. Han-d-cross. Handycross. Andy Cross. Not Tony Hancock.
WE SEE HIM OPEN THE LETTER AND START TO READ IT.
Dear oh dear. This is the limit. Only the new credit card I’d applied for. I ask you. What use is it to me in the name Tony Hancock. How can they get Handcross mixed up with Hancock? What am I supposed to do with this? Five thousand pounds worth of credit for you, Mr Hancock. I’m not him. He died forty years ago. Gone. Caput. No more. Living on only in grainy black and white images. Images of Black and White. He lives on. But not through me. I’ll tell you mate. Not through me.
(TURNS TO CAMERA IN MORE LIGHT HEARTED TONE) I did enjoy Hancock. Who did he play with now? (PAUSES) Sid James. That was it. He was good Sid James.
DOES SID JAMES LAUGH. RETURNS TO LOOKING AT LETTER.
Hang on a moment. Spend more than fifty pounds in the first month and you can claim dinner for two at a top restaurant near you. That’s more like it. Hang on a minute. I’m single. Can’t go on my own.
(TO CAMERA) I wonder if they’d let me go twice?
PICKS UP BAG AND WALKS TO KITCHEN AREA. STARTS TO PUT ITEMS AWAY. EXAMINES BOX OF TEA BAGS.
Isn’t that typical. My PG is out of sell by. I’ll have to have words with that shopkeeper.
(TO CAMERA)It’s not much to ask is it? To buy a box of tea bags and expect them to be in date.
WANDERS BACK INTO LIVING AREA. PICKS UP TV REMOTE AND SWITCHES ON TV. HANCOCKS HALF HOUR IS JUST STARTING.
Marvellous isn’t it. Bloomin marvellous.
SWITCHES TV OFF. PICKS UP LETTER AGAIN.
I suppose I’ll have to write to them. “Dear Sir, I recently applied.” No that’s not right. “Dear Sir, Regarding the credit card you recently sent me.” No. No. I’ll phone. That’s it. I’ll phone. “Handcross here. Tony Handcross. Not Hancock.” That’s no use. Hold on. What’s this. I can now email queries. Why didn’t they say before. That’s more like it. The world wide web. The world wide web of intrigue. The Internet. Or as they say up north tinternet.
(SITS BEHIND THE SCREEN, FACING CAMERA)
This is it. Email. Talking with my friends in England and abroad. (PAUSES) Well abroad then.
STUDIES AN EMAIL VERY HARD. HE HALF HUMS THE WORDS ALOUD.
Interesting. Interesting.
GETS UP. WALKS TO A CHESS BOARD AND MOVES A PIECE. PONDERS. MOVES A PIECE OF THE OPPOSITE COLOUR. RETURNS TO COMPUTER AND KEYS REPLY.
That’ll keep him happy for awhile. There’s an error on your hard disk. An error on my hard disk. Oh it’s mine is it. When it’s all working well the computer takes the credit. When it goes wrong it belongs to me. Marvellous. All this new fangled technology. I tell you we were better off with a forty watt bulb, a gas ring and a phone box on the corner. Good job I paid for the telephone support.
WE SEE HIM DIALLING AND WAITING AND WAITING.
Oh hello. Is that… Yes, yes. I thought it might be. My name. Handcross. H A N (PAUSES) N for Norman. (PAUSES) No I’m not called Norman. H A N D yes D for DAVID C (PAUSES) I beg your pardon R O S S. Hand as in on the end of your arm. Cross as in annoyed. (PAUSES) It might be three am in the morning where you are but it’s nine thirty in the evening here. (PAUSES) That’s better. I should think so too. (PAUSES) What do you mean my support contract has expired. (PAUSES) Oh. Oh. I see. You need a credit card number. Yes. Okay.
REACHES FOR THE NEW CREDIT CARD.
My name. Again? Oh Yes. Okay. Han (PAUSES. MISCHIEVOUS GRIN TO CAMERA) cock. Tony Hancock. One H two C’s. H-A-N-C-O-C-K.
SCENE 3: CONTINUITY
EI:
Some of our comedians have disappeared into the realms of obscurity. Some were such gems that they were completely one offs. As Lady White Adder recalled two spikes would be an extravagance.
SCENE 4: SPIKE MILLIGAN TAKE OFF
A SPIKE MILLIGAN LOOK ALIKE IS PAYING FOR AN ITEM AT A CASH CHECKOUT. ASSISTANT HANDS HIM THE CREDIT CARD SLIP.
ASSISTANT:
Can you sign in the box?
CAMERA PANS TO A LARGE BOX THAT THE CHAP THEN STEPS INTO.
SCENE 5: CONTINUITY
JC (FROM AFAR):
That was silly.
EI:
No it wasn’t.
JC (FROM AFAR):
It’s all chip and pin now.
EI:
But it was paying homage. Set in the past.
JC (FROM AFAR):
Still silly if you ask me.
EI:
And now for a comic duo that graced our screens through three decades.
SCENE 6: THE TWO RONNIES
INTRODUCTION SIGN “CAN YOU TAKE ME TO EALING”. FOLLOWED BY THE COMIC DUO IN A LONDON CAB.
RB PLAYS A FLAT CAPPED WEARING ATYPICAL, HARD OF HEARING, LONDON CABBIE. HIS CHARACTER IS PLAYED IN SHADOW. RC GETS INTO THE CAB WEARING A SMART PINSTRIPE SUIT. RC IS WELL SPOKEN. RB IS DOWN TO EARTH.
RC:
Can you take me to Ealing?
RB:
Certainly sir.
CAB GETS MOVING. RC LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW.
RB:
What’s your business then sir?
RC:
I’m in catering.
RB:
Caterham sir? Caterham it is.
TAXI SWINGS AROUND.
RC:
No, no. I’m in catering, a catering manager (LAUGHS). I just want to go to Ealing.
RB:
Oh, oh, I see sir. Very well. Ealing it is sir. I thought I heard you say Caterham back then sir.
RC:
No, no I said ca…
RB:
Looks as if you’ve done well Sir. Nice whistle you’ve got there.
RC:
Well I’m not a rich man.
RB:
Richmond sir? Richmond?
RC:
(WITH TENSION IN VOICE) No, Ealing.
PAUSE IN DIALOGUE WITH RC OBSERVING SOME LONDON SCENES ON ROUTE.
RB:
Nice evening planned sir, in Ealing like?
RC:
I’m playing bridge actually.
RB:
Oh bridge is it. That’s nice sir. A game of bridge. How lovely.
RC:
Actually I’m just making up the numbers, (NERVOUS LAUGH) I’m just being the fourth at bridge.
RB:
Forth Bridge sir? Forth Bridge sir. Bit off my patch that.
RC:
No, no. Can you just take me to Ealing?
RB:
Why did you say Forth Bridge then sir?
RC:
I didn’t.
RB:
I was sure I ‘eard you sir.
RC:
No, that was the fourth at bridge.
RB:
Oh, I see sir, I see. The card game.
PAUSE IN DIALOGUE WITH RC OBSERVING SOME LONDON SCENES ON ROUTE. A CAR HORN BEEPS REPEATEDLY.
RC:
Stop, stop tooting.
RB:
Tooting sir. Tooting? Very good sir.
TAXI SWINGS AROUND.
RC:
No, no. No tooting. I was just yelling at the jerk sounding his horn.
RB:
The what horn sir?
RC:
The horn jerk back there.
RB:
Hornchurch sir? Hornchurch. That aint back there.
RC:
No, no I want to go to Ealing.
RB:
Ealing, very good sir.
TAXI SWINGS AROUND.
RB:
You alright sir? Might say you’re looking a little peaky.
RC:
It’s been a harrowing day.
RB:
Harrow sir? Do you want me to go to Harrow before Ealing?
RC:
No, no. Just Ealing.
RB:
Very good sir. Very good.
SHORT PAUSE SHOWING THE CONTINUATION OF THE JOURNEY.
RC:
(SOFTLY) Barking.
RB:
Barking sir?
RC:
No, no. Ealing.
CAMERA SHOWS THE METER WITH A HIGH FARE. PAUSE FOR AUDIENCE TO REACT.
RB:
Here we go sir. Here we are in Ealing. All safe and sound. Oh dear, oh dear. Look at that meter. Oh dear. That was an expensive trip.
RC:
(SHAKEN) I’ll never go by Hackney again.
RB:
Oh don’t say that sir. Don’t say that. Tell you what it’s on my way home. I’ll take you there now.
TAXI SHOWN SWINGING AROUND AND SHOOTING OFF.
SCENE 7: CONTINUITY
EI:
Although each show had its own style and own writers there were some scripts offered to more than one show. For example the ‘nudge nudge wink wink’ was turned down by The Two Ronnies before it was performed by the Pythons. And if I may say
JC (FROM AFAR):
You may not.
EI:
If I may say Monty Python made a better job of it.
JC (FROM AFAR):
How do you know?
EI:
Well. We just do.
JC (FROM AFAR):
That’s rubbish. Unless we see the Two Ronnies performing it we’ll never be able to compare.
EI:
I’m sorry about this. Bare with me for one moment. (PAUSES) Do you mind?
JC (FROM AFAR):
Do I mind? Of course I bloomin mind. You come on here. Spouting rubbish about being better than the Two Ronnies and expect the British public to swallow whatever you tell them. It’s not That’s Life you know.
(SOUNDS OF BEATING) Ouch, ow, you big bully.
EI:
Again sorry for the interruption there. I think normal service can now be resumed.
GROANING SOUND.
EI:
There was one unseen sketch that never made it to our screens. Gwyneth Guttering, a typist with the BBC, was given two scripts to type up. One intended for The Two Ronnies and the other for Monty Python. Unfortunately she mixed them up and they were never used. This evening we can bring you Gwyneth Guttering’s script. Now for something remarkably similar.
SCENE 8: TWO RONNIES MEET MONTY PYTHON
THE OPENING SCENE IS THAT OF A TRADITIONAL BRITISH PET SHOP. JOHN CLEESE (JC) ENTERS HOLDING A LIST. RONNIE CORBETT (RC) IS SERVING.
JC:
What can you do for sick squid?
RC:
Well there’s our bumper pack of food, a fish pond light or this bird table.
JC:
Nah, sick squid. What can you do for sick squid?
RC:
Six quid?
JC:
No, sick squid. My squid it’s sick like.
RC:
Oh I see sir. I thought you meant six quid, six pounds.
JC:
I don’t know how much it weighs.
RC:
Try our fish happy supplement sir?
RC HANDS OVER PACKET TO JC. JC PAUSES TO READ THE PACKET.
JC:
Do you have anything to stop my hares falling out?
RC:
Have you tried the chemist sir?
JC:
The chemist?
RC:
To stop your hairs falling out.
JC:
Nah, me hares falling out. They keep sitting up and boxing.
RC:
Have you tried splitting them?
JC:
Splitting hares?
RC:
I’m not trying to argue sir.
JC:
So you’ve nothing to stop me hares falling out?
RC:
No. What next sir?
JC EXAMINES LIST.
JC:
I’ve got no eye deer.
RC:
No idea. Surely you’ve written it on your list.
JC:
No eye deer. I’ve got three deer and they’re all blind. I’ve got no eye deer.
RC:
Oh, I see sir. I think the vet would be better for that one. Next?
JC EXAMINES LIST.
JC:
Anything going cheap?
RC:
Just the budgerigars. (LAUGHS)
JC GIVES A BLANK REACTION.
JC:
My wife’s got a little thrush?
RC:
You’re meaning a small songbird bird… aren’t you, sir?
JC:
Yes.
RC:
This seed will do. Next?
JC:
Too small rabbits.
RC LIFTS OVER TWO SMALL RABBITS. PAUSE FOR AUDIENCE TO SIGH.
RC:
These do sir?
JC:
No, too small rabbits. Me rabbits they’re too small. They needing feeding up.
RC:
Oh, I see sir. Try our superior bran.
HANDS OVER PACKET.
JC:
Do you have the runs?
RC:
I beg your pardon. I’ve had enough of this. (CALLS TO BACK OF SHOP) Mr Robinson?
MR ROBINSON APPEARS.
MR ROBINSON:
Can I help you sir?
JC:
Do you have the runs?
MR ROBINSON:
Runs sir. Very good.
MR ROBINSON POINTS TO RABBIT CAGES AND RUNS.
MR ROBINSON:
What size were you thinking of?
SCENE 9: CONTINUITY
EI:
I hope you are enjoying our little foray into the past. Of course it wasn’t all The Two Ronnies and Python. Not only were they big stars but also
JC (FROM AFAR):
I can’t guess what’s coming now.
EI:
You feeling better?
JC (FROM AFAR):
Just. But this is so predictable.
EI:
What do you mean?
JC (FROM AFAR):
Not only were they big stars but also – it’s going to be Pete and Dud isn’t it.
EI:
Might not be.
JC (FROM AFAR):
It is isn’t it?
SCENE 10: PETE AND DUD
SCENE OPENS WITH MANY BENCHES ALONG A CANAL. ON EACH IS A PETE AND DUD. THE ‘REAL’ TWO SIT DOWN BUT WITH ANGEL WINGS ON THEIR BROWN COATS AND FLAT CAPS.
DM:
So where are we then Pete?
PC:
By the canal Dud, by the canal.
DM:
Who are all those people then Pete?
PC:
They’re us Dud, us.
DM:
Us Pete?
PC:
They are celebrating our life’s work.
DM:
Are we still famous then?
PC:
I’m still famous Dud, I don’t know about you though.
DM:
I was famous too, Pete.
PC:
Yes, yes you were Dud. For a short while. About forty years ago.
DM:
Why the canal then, Pete?
PC:
I suppose it’s nearby.
DM:
Nearby to what?
PC:
To wherever all the other us’es came from?
DM:
Is us’es a word then Pete?
PC:
I believe so, yes Dud.
DM:
Oh, you see I’d never heard it before.
PC:
Probably one of those words that goes way above your head. In fact many things go way above your head Dudley. I think in fact “us’es” …
DM:
So if this canal is near then, Pete it would make it the near canal.
PC:
That’s in contrast to the “far canal.”
DM:
Far canal, Pete?
PC:
Yes, far canal Dud.
DUD STARTS TO ‘CORPSE’ WHILST EATING A CIABATTA.
PC:
Your enjoying that ciabatta aren’t you Dudley.
DM:
What’s that duck called?
PC:
It’s a Ruddy Duck, Dud.
DM:
A Ruddy Duck on the near Canal. My Mum used to bring me here when I was a boy. Stopped coming when I hit… you know.
PC:
You know what Dud.
DM:
You know, started to develop.
PC:
You mean when you started to get feathers on your Duck, Dud?
DM:
That’s right Pete. Feathers on me duck.
PC:
On your Ruddy Duck, Dud.
DM:
I’ve never heard mine called a Ruddy Duck.
PC:
No but I’ve heard others say so, Dud.
DM:
So what became of us then Pete?
PC:
I don’t know about you Dud but it was all the sex and drugs that finished me off.
DM:
Sex and drugs, what about the rock and roll?
PC:
That always disturbed the neighbours. I gave that up.
DM:
And the sex didn’t?
PC:
It was the neighbour I was having sex with, Dud. Only when she left me did I try the rock and roll.
DM:
Is this going anywhere?
PC:
No but it’s nice having had this little chat. We must do it more often.
SCENE 11: CONTINUITY
JC (FROM AFAR):
Can’t we have something more up to date?
EI:
This is paying tribute to the comedy stars of the past.
JC (FROM AFAR):
At least the nineteen eighties then?
EI:
(TALKING TO THE PRODUCER) Can we shuffle it around a bit? (PAUSES). Will you stop interrupting if we go to the nineteen eighties for awhile?
JC (FROM AFAR):
Only if it’s good.
SCENE 12: ALAS SMITH AND JONES
BUILDING WITH SIGN OUTSIDE “TONIGHT. ALAS SMITH AND JONES ON STAGE”.
MAN1 PARKS HIS CAR, USES REMOTE CENTRAL LOCKING DEVICE AND CROSSES ROAD TO BUILDING WITH THE SIGN. MEETS MAN2 STANDING BY A PARKING METER.
MAN1:
Going to the Alas Smith and Jones?
MAN2:
Yes, should be great.
MAN1:
Yes. I’m really looking forward to it.
MAN2:
Do you have change for the meter?
MAN1:
In my car.
MAN1 THEN UNLOCKS HIS CAR FROM THIS SIDE OF THE ROAD AND PROCEEDS TO CROSS. AS HE DOES THE TRAFFIC BUILDS UP AND HE IS UNABLE TO CROSS. A THIEF HOPS INTO HIS CAR AND DRIVES IT AWAY.
MAN2:
Silly me. I had change all the time.
MAN2 THEN INSERTS COIN IN METER AND IT STARTS TO BEEP AS IT PRINTS THE TICKET. THE CAMERA PANS OUT TO A LORRY REVERSING TOWARDS HIM AND CRUSHES THE METER.
MAN1 ENTERS THE CONCERT, PASSING BIG SIGNS ADVERTISING ALAS SMITH AND JONES. AS HE ENTERS HE FINDS HIMSELF IN FRONT OF AN AIRPORT SECURITY CHECK. BEWILDERED HE GOES OUTSIDE AND SEES THE ALAS SMITH AND JONES SIGNS AGAIN. HE ENTERS IN AND OUT A FEW TIMES AND GETS MORE BEWILDERED. SO HE PROCEEDS THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR. IT GOES OFF SO HE REMOVES HIS KEYS, IT GOES OFF AGAIN AND HE REMOVES HIS WATCH. IT GOES OFF AGAIN AND HE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING SO HE TRIES AGAIN. IT GOES OFF AGAIN. HE THEN DOUBLE CHECKS HIS POCKETS AND PRODUCES A SMALL KNIFE WHICH HE HANDS TO THE SECURITY CHECK GUARD. HE THEN WALKS THROUGH AGAIN, NO ALARM GOES OFF. THE SECURITY GUARD AND MAN1 SMILE, MAN1 TAKES BACK HIS KNIFE AND PROCEEDS.
SCENE 13: ALAS SMITH & JONES (TALKING HEADS)
GRJ:
So what are we doing here?
MS:
It’s a celebration.
GRJ:
Celebration?
MS:
Celebration of classic television comedy.
GRJ:
Oh. So what are we doing here then?
MS:
Beats me.
GRJ:
Are you into all that old television then?
MS:
Indeed I am. I joined that Dad’s Army Appreciation Society
GRJ:
What’s that about then?
MS:
It’s an appreciation society for Dad’s Army.
GRJ:
Oh. What do you do then?
MS:
We meet and discuss.
GRJ:
Discuss what?
MS:
Dad’s Army
GRJ:
Oh, is there much to talk about.
MS:
Oh yes. Did you know that there are three lost episodes.
GRJ:
Three lost episodes. Well I never.
MS:
Gone, caput. Lost forever. Wiped from the BBC archives. Not a trace. Not kept on video tape anywhere.
GRJ:
You’ve not tried W H Smiths then?
MS:
No we have not. If the BBC have lost them they are lost forever.
GRJ:
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. You’d have thought they’d have taken more care wouldn’t you.
MS:
Just like Doctor Who. Did you know that there are one hundred and eight missing episodes.
GRJ:
Oh dear. That is a shame.
MS:
One hundred and eight missing episodes of the travels of the time lord.
GRJ:
Why can’t he go back and get them then?
MS:
Sorry.
GRJ:
Well if he’s the time lord why does he not travel back in time and get them then?
MS:
Don’t be ridiculous. He doesn’t actually travel back in time.
GRJ:
But you said he was the time lord.
MS:
Well he does not actually travel back in time.
GRJ:
Forward in time then?
MS:
No. He does not travel in time at all.
GRJ:
Why is he called the time lord then?
MS:
It’s just make believe.
GRJ:
How do you know?
MS:
Doctor Who is just a story produced by the BBC.
GRJ:
The BBC are good at making up stories.
MS:
Like our promised new series.
GRJ:
That’s right. Whatever happened to it?
MS:
They claimed we’d be dumbing down television.
GRJ:
Dumbing down television. I’ve never heard anything so stupid in all my life. Us dumbing down television. Whatever next.
MS:
Whatever next.
SCENE 14: CONTINUITY
JC (FROM AFAR):
What about Spitting Image?
EI:
What about it?
JC (FROM AFAR):
Aren’t we going to have any?
EI:
It’s hardly comedy characters is it?
JC (FROM AFAR):
I thought we were paying homage to the heyday of BBC Television comedy.
EI:
(SOFTLY TO PRODUCER) Can we pacify him?
PRODUCER:
(SOFTLY) We could call this a Spitting Image sketch?
EI:
(SOFTLY) I’ll try it.
EI:
Okay then. A short Spitting Image sketch.
SCENE 15: SPITTING IMAGE
SHAPE OF THE USA, WITH UK BELOW ON STRINGS.
VOICE OF DUDLEY MOORE:
What’s that then?
VOICE OF PETER COOK:
It’s satire. Satire for puppets
VOICE OF DUDLEY MOORE:
I was big in America
VOICE OF PETER COOK:
You were never big anywhere, Dudley.
SCENE 16: CONTINUITY
JC (FROM AFAR):
That was Pete and Dud!
EI:
No it wasn’t.
SCENE 17: SPITTING IMAGE
FROM BEHIND THE SHAPE OF AMERICA A PUPPET OF GEORGE W BUSH APPEARS, DRESSED REMARKABLY LIKE THE DICK EMERY BOVVER BOY CHARACTER. CAMERA PANS OUT TO NOT ONLY SHOW THE UK IS HANGING ON STRINGS BELOW THE USA BUT IRAQ IS HANGING BELOW THE UK ON STRINGS. THE STRINGS BREAK AND IRAQ FALLS AWAY.
GEORGE W BUSH:
Dad, dad I think I got it wrong again.
SCENE 18: CONTINUITY
JC (FROM AFAR):
That was Dick Emery.
EI:
George W.
JC (FROM AFAR):
Dick Emery.
EI:
George W.
JC (FROM AFAR):
It’s all men anyhow.
EI:
And your point is?
JC (FROM AFAR):
(SARCASTICALLY) Well this is the twenty first century. We’ve stopped making Carry On Films you know.
EI:
What’s that got to do with it?
JC (FROM AFAR):
Well they were sexist and full of innuendo.
EI:
And your point is? Name me one all female comedy sketch show.
JC (FROM AFAR):
French and Saunders.
EI:
(SOFTLY TO PRODUCER) Have we got any French and Saunders?
PRODUCER:
We were going to do ‘French and Saunders at Wimbledon’ but we got part way through shooting when they fell out.
EI:
(SOFTLY TO PRODUCER) Oh dear. Not talking are they?
PRODUCER:
No. When I said they fell out. I was meaning… Oh never mind we’ll run with it anyhow.
SCENE 19: FRENCH AND SAUNDERS
SCENE IS DAWN FRENCH PLAYING TENNIS AGAINST AN UNIDENTIFIED SLIM LOOKING FEMALE OPPONENT. THERE IS NO BALL BUT GREAT ORGASMIC GRUNTS ARE GIVEN AT EACH SWING OF THE RACKET.
COMMENTATOR:
Welcome to centre court in this thrilling third set between our British hopeful Dawn French and the young Russian Regina IamAVitch. It’s neck and neck out there at one set a piece. Oh no, French has just let one get away from her.
Scene shows Jennifer Saunders as her coach speaking into a microphone
JS:
You bloody idiot.
SCENE SHOWS DAWN FRENCH ADJUSTING EARPIECE. ANOTHER BALL PASSES HER.
JS:
I’m ruined as a coach if you don’t win this match. Do you realise that? Ruined.
SCENE SHOWS DAWN FRENCH LOOKING ANGRILY TOWARDS JENNIFER SAUNDERS.
JS:
I’ve slept with your boyfriend you know.
SCENE SHOWS DAWN FRENCH RETURNING A ‘BALL’ IN ANGER.
JS:
I’ve actually slept with all of your boyfriends.
SCENE SHOWS DAWN FRENCH RETURNING MORE ‘BALLS’ IN ANGER.
COMMENTATOR:
A bit of a recovery from Dawn French here.
MORE ORGASMIC GRUNTING.
COMMENTATOR:
Is that rain? Just as we were reaching the climax. Is it love or deuce? I think the covers are about to come out.
SCENE SWITCH TO CLIFF RICHARD STANDING IN THE CROWD.
CR:
Got myself
COMMENTATOR:
No, I thinks that was a false alarm. Wait a moment. No, no I can see the covers coming out again.
SCENE SWITCH TO CLIFF RICHARD.
CR:
Cryin’
COMMENTATOR:
This is pandemonium here. They can’t decide whether to stop the game, bring the covers out or what.
SCENE SWITCH TO CLIFF RICHARD.
CR:
Livin’ doll
COMMENTATOR:
I think Sir Cliff has saved the day there. Despite the rain we are going to play on.
SCENE 20: CONTINUITY
JC (FROM AFAR):
That was silly. It started off very cleverly then descended into an appalling mickey take of a knight of our realm.
EI:
And your point is?
JC (FROM AFAR):
It was just daft, barely funny at all.
EI:
And this ladies and gentlemen is nearing the end of our evening of entertainment. May I now introduce some archive footage being shown for the first ever time. It’s a recording of the first meeting between Mr Eric Morecombe and Mr Ernest Wise.
SCENE 21: THE PLAY WOT I WROTE (MORECOMBE AND WISE)
SCENE STARTS WITH EM BEHIND A DESK IN A SMALL OFFICE. EW ENTERS AND SITS OPPOSITE.
EM:
So you want to be a playwright?
EW:
I am a playwright.
EM:
So what are you doing here?
EW:
This is an interview for the BBC to be a playwright?
EM:
(ADLIBBING) No it’s an interview with the BBC to be a playwright. The BBC will never be a playwright.
EW:
I know (SUPPRESSING CORPSING)
EM:
Just thought I’d help you there with your lines (END OF ADLIBBING)
EW:
This is an interview to be a playwright?
EM:
Yes (ADLIBBING TO THE AUDIENCE) – this boy is learning. He’s good you know. He’s good.
EW:
I am a playwright.
EM:
I think we’ve established that. It’s a start.
EW:
I’ve written
EM:
(CUTTING IN) What makes you think you could be a playwright for the BBC?
EW:
I’ve written
EM:
(CUTTING IN) It takes a special person to write for the BBC.
EW:
I’m sure that it does. I’ve written
EM:
(CUTTING IN) And how many plays have you written?
EW:
Oh, so many I’ve lost count.
EM:
And how many have you had performed?
EW:
Well, to date?
EM:
Yes, to date.
EW:
None. (PAUSES) The BBC keeps rejecting them.
EM:
I’ve heard that they are very choosy.
EW:
I thought if I could get a job as the resident BBC playwright then they’d have trouble turning them down.
EM:
So how many have you written?
EW:
You’ve already asked me that.
EM:
You’ll get used to repeats at the BBC.
EW:
I’ve written one about the BBC.
EM:
What’s it called?
EW:
The play what I wrote.
EM:
Yes, the play what you wrote.
EW:
No the play what I wrote.
EM:
Yes, that’s what I said.
EW:
No you said the play what you wrote.
EM:
I’ve not written any plays.
EW:
I know. But the play I wrote is called “The play what I wrote”
EM:
I see and what’s it about?
EW:
A struggling playwright continually getting turned down by the BBC.
EM:
And you felt qualified to write such a play.
EW:
Yes.
EM:
Excellent. I’m sure we can inspire you some more. May I take a look?
EW:
Well, I’ve not actually brought it with me.
EM:
What’s that there in your hand?
EW:
That’s a play about an overweight Australian criminal.
EM:
What’s it called?
EW:
The outsized fed belly.
DRAMATIC MUSIC.
EM:
Not the outsized fed belly.
EW LOOKS AROUND TO THE MUSIC.
EM:
We made half the sound effect guys redundant but the union insisted we kept them on. We only use them in interviews now. May I take a look?
EW:
It’s still in draft format.
EM:
What else?
EW:
A play about the life and times of Lady Churchill.
EM:
What’s it called?
EW:
A knight with Clementine.
DRAMATIC MUSIC.
EM:
Not a knight with Clementine. May I take a look?
EW:
(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) There’s a spy thriller staring Alec Guinness.
EM:
Alec Guinness is dead.
EW:
Most great actors are!
EM:
What’s it called?
EW:
Tinker Tailor Hello Sailor.
EM:
Not Tinker Tailor Hello Sailor.
EW LOOKS AROUND TO THE LACK OF DRAMATIC MUSIC.
EM:
(IN EXPLANATION) Tea break. They had to fight for it. May I take a look?
EW:
Erm (STALLING)
EM:
You’ve not brought any plays with you. Have you?
EW:
No.
EM:
In fact let me put it to you that all you’ve got there is your rejection letters from the BBC. (GRABS ONE) Dear Mr Wise. Thank you for your idea about the life and times of Charles Schulz entitled “Writing for Peanuts” but without the script we have to reject it on this occasion.” (LOOKING UP) You’ve never written a play have you?
EW:
No.
EM:
Just titles.
EW:
Yes.
EM:
You just come up with titles don’t you?
EW:
Yes.
EM:
Goodbye Mr Wise.
EW STARTS TO LEAVE.
EM:
No, “Goodbye Mr Wise” is the title of my new play.
EW:
You only have the title don’t you?
EM:
Yes.
EW:
Perhaps I can help you.
EM:
Good I was hoping you’d say that.
PANS OUT TO THE TWO HUDDLING TOGETHER DISCUSSING.
SCENE 22: CONTINUITY
EI:
And now here is the news.
JC (FROM AFAR):
You haven’t done Benny Hill yet.
EI:
And now here is the news.
SCENE 23: BENNY HILL READING THE NEWS
BENNY HILL WITH A HEADSET ON, PRESENTING A RADIO SHOW. BEHIND HIM IS A SIGN SAYING ‘RADIO ULSTER’. BENNY HILL DOES THE ANNOUNCEMENT IN AN IRISH ACCENT.
BH:
That was the news. And now time for a phone in.
PHONE IN JINGLE.
BH:
Hello caller.
CALLER:
Hello there Benny, Patrick calling.
BH:
Hello there Pat?
CALLER:
So you know me then?
BH:
Go ahead caller.
CALLER:
Well I want to complain about the English visiting Ulster and continually complaining about how often we use the word feck.
BH:
Nothing wrong with a good feck.
CALLER:
That’s right Benny. Only we Irish can make is sound musical. I work in the hotel business and the other day an English visitor said he could only make out half of what I was saying now. He asked me to stop saying feck all the time.
BH:
Did that help?
CALLER:
No, he then claimed he could not understand a word I was saying. Told me I was a feckless hotelier.
BH:
Next caller please.
CALLER:
Hello there Benny. Patrick calling.
BH:
Hello there Pat?
CALLER:
So you know me then?
BH:
Go ahead caller.
CALLER:
I want to complain about the sewer system on the south side of the city. It’s not working again.
BH:
I hear the water company say they’ll be looking into it.
CALLER:
They need to do something. That’ll be the third (PRONOUNCED TURD) blockage this week.
SCENE 24: CONTINUITY
JC (FROM AFAR):
I thought that was going to be The Two Ronnies.
EI:
And now here is the news.
SCENE 25: RONNIE CORBETT AT THE NEWS DESK
RC:
Here is the news. There was confusion today at the funeral of Herbert Pocket, Britain’s most loved football referee. When the choir sang the traditional referee anthem, “Who’s the bastard dressed in black” the vicar walked out. This followed earlier confusion when 83 year old Sir Clive Tingley, Britain’s most celebrated Sudoka Compiler, was buried in the same church yard. It took over an hour and a half to find a suitable grave site which did not have another grave with an 8 or a 3 on it in the same row, column or within two graves.
SCENE 26: CONTINUITY
BBC GLOBE SPINNING AS OF 1970S TV
EI:
And now here is the news.
JC (FROM AFAR):
You just did the news.
EI:
Well that brings us nearly to the end of our little show. I hope you enjoyed it. We were going to bring you Match of the Day next but due to industrial action by scene shifters that has been cancelled.
JC (FROM AFAR):
Strike by scene shifters cancelling match of the day. That’s ridiculous. You don’t have scene shifters on Match of the Day.
EI:
Well that’s what it says here.
JC (FROM AFAR):
Poppycock.
EI:
If we had been showing match of the day it’d now be my duty to say George Best is currently playing at the theatre of dreams, Old Trafford Manchester.
GEORGE BEST CHARACTER RUNS ON AND KICKS THE GLOBE AWAY.
JC (FROM AFAR):
But you didn’t show Match of the Day. So why say where George Best is playing?
EI:
We don’t want to risk upsetting the union.
JC (FROM AFAR):
Oh my we don’t want to upset the unions do we now. You yellow bellied ba
EI:
And that’s all we have time for.
THE END
© Steve Smith